Winning is stupid, and here’s why: It’s like, you’re trying to be better than the other team, but really shouldn’t we all be equals? We should. So United is giving you the best of both worlds, you’re neither winning nor losing! Congrats! Stagnation is the new progress.
2. They want to break a record
Manchester United has a long history of success and record breaking, so that tradition is only being extended onto this season. The record for most draws in English football is 18, which is coincidentally held by Manchester City. HA! You see, United just want to make that record their own, therefore displacing City as the greatest drawing team English football has ever seen. MANCHESTER WILL ALWAYS BE RED.
3. They can be a little forgetful
Look, scoring goals as a professional is hard stuff. Not only do you have to pounce at the best possible opportunity to score, but you have to shake off a defender and beat the goalkeeper. Really tedious stuff for a 36-year-old Zlatan Ibrahimovic to be doing all the time. Can you blame an older guy for forgetting how to do things here and there? You shouldn’t, especially now because he’s injured. Don’t be that guy, ok.
4. They’re allowing the competition to flourish
Manchester United is the most generous club in English football, hands down. They had every chance to win the league this season. Jose Mourinho became the manager, they signed a top-10 striker for free, kept David De Gea around, and improved their defensive scheme. This seemed like the perfect formula to win a title, but United being the nice club that they are, allowed smaller clubs like City and Liverpool to finish above them this year. Aww you’re welcome guys!
5. They just suck
Who else could go on a 25 game unbeaten streak and have it not matter at all? Arsenal, probably (cmon it would be a really Arsenal thing to do right!?). But United isn’t any better, especially after drawing so many of those matches at home, against smaller clubs. Games that are stereotypically winnable have been anything but fruitful for the Red Devils. 10 of their 14 draws this season have been at home. That’s bad, like, really bad. Drawing 10 home games means they had a chance to earn 30 points, but came out with 10 instead because it’s plain and simple, they suck.